hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
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I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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