I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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