Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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