Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
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Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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