It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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