so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
