Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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