I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
