accomplished twins. life is a go
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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