I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
