I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
