When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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