hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
