Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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