In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
