where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
