So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
and you fell through a lawn chair
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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