I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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