You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
