you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
