I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
