so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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