We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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