I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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