Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
