Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
