Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
