Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
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