mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
