No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm passing your future prison.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
