he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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