the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes