Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
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He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
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What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.