Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
