Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
