I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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