Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
