I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
