I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
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Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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