puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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