I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
