You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
