Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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