i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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