Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Randomize
