I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
