The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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