she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
