she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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