I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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