I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
