is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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