Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize