you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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