Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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