i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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