I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Mom said you looked used
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
