Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
