If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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